According to a study published in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior", we think about sex 18.6 times per day. For the amount of bandwidth sex takes in our minds, most of us have never considered setting sexual goals. Okay, maybe the first time you got to each base, you goaled your way there. But we tend to have a laissez-faire attitude about sex as adults in committed relationships. We treat day-to-day sex as if it’s something that just happens (or doesn’t), and we treat our sexual bucket list as something that only happens if the skies part and god herself grants you one wish. I’m a big fan of goal setting, and if we’re being honest, sex is no different from any other arena of life in which we experience a gap between our present state and our desired state. Time and your behavior will evolve your sex life no matter what, the question is, in what direction? You can take the bull by the horns or leave it up to fate; to quote the wisdom of Rush, “…even if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice”.
To start creating sexual goals you have to decide what you want from your sex life. Weird question right? Let’s start with the easy stuff and work our way up. How often do you want to have regular sex with your partner? What do you want regular sex to include? How often do you want to try something new with your partner? How often do you want to do ‘that special thing’ with your partner? How often do you want to have sex with someone other than your partner? What are your bucket list fantasies? If you’ve answered all these questions we now have a pretty good idea of the future sex life you want!
Time for the next step: according to the work of organizational psychologist Dr. Benjamin Hardy ( I told you I like goal setting!), one of the most effective ways we can influence our future is by envisioning our future selves in detail, “the more vivid and detailed your future self, the faster you’ll progress”. Okay let’s imagine our future selves in detail- these very sexually satisfied versions of ourselves, let’s say, six months from now. What are we like? What are we wearing? What stories do we have to tell about sex? What is our partnership like? How have we changed? What would future, sexually satisfied you want present you to know? Write it down like a letter from you in the future you to you in the present. Here’s a my sample:
Dear Alisa,
I have good news! Your sex life is absolutely rockin now. You did a lot of hard work to get here, and it’s definitely worth it. You got the sense of sexiness and flirtatiousness back that you lost in the pandemic! You feel desire and you feel desirable. You’re starting your day with sex almost every day. You just did a D/s scene with your partner last week and it was really fun for both of you. It brought you closer. Speaking of which your relationship is more emotionally intimate now. You two confide in each other and feel supported. Thank you for making your life better by engaging with this goal.
Sincerely,
Future Alisa, February 2024
Alright, it’s cheesy. But it helps! We’ve been to the mountaintop! We’ve envisioned our bedrockin’ boot knockin’ future and we love it! Now what? Now it’s time to figure out the steps between our present sex life and our future sex life and turn them into goals. We’ll use the goal in my letter of daily sex as an example. So what are the steps between your current frequency and daily sex?
Win Your Partner’s Enthusiastic Participation with a Softened Startup.
One could write 9000 pages on this step, but I’ll keep it brief. You risk rejection at this step but it’s vital to your success. Remember, no one dreams of a sexless partnership; if you’re unhappy with your sex life, your partner probably is too. To keep the conversation from feeling abrupt or divisive, use a Softened Startup. Softened Startup is a technique used in successful relationships identified by famed relationship research scientists John and Julie Gottman. Softened startup is expressing a concern or need without negativity, criticism, or blame. An example is, “Remember how much sex we used to have our first year? I think we made love almost every night. I really miss that. Do you think we could get closer to that again?”.
Compromise On The Goal.
Invite your partner to state their ideal sexual frequency. “In an ideal world, how often do you wish we were having sex?”. Don’t express disappointment or criticize their answer. There’s a 90% chance their answer is still more sex than you’re currently having, so make lemonade! Start with the lower of the two ideal frequencies or split the difference and make it your shared goal.
Commit And Gamify it By Making A Bet.
Okay it’s time to make it fun (because one sided obligatory sex is awful). Try, “Let’s make it a game. Every time each of us initiates sex we get one point. At the end of the month, the person with the most points wins. The winner gets the grand prize of X, but each of us also gets a small payout for every point we got.” Your prizes should be designed to delight each individual. For example, one partner earns $5 towards a spa gift card for every point, and the other earns $5 towards a collectible they’ve been eyeing. Whatever gets them excited!
Keep Track!
Use an expo marker on your bathroom mirror. The friendly competition will be enjoyable and bring you closer. If you really want to up the ante, each of you can tell a friend about it! They’ll hold you accountable by asking how it went. You’d be amazed how far a little external accountability can go. Don’t forget to clearly define what counts as sex for your competition! I encourage you to be open minded here. Consider including mutual masturbation, oral sex, and hand jobs. How many minutes counts?
Identify And Modify Interfering Beliefs.
If we didn’t have systems in our brain that go against our goals, we’d all be living our best lives every day. It’s important to identify them and determine which ones are most likely to interfere in your goal. For our example, to have sex daily, you’ll need to rethink the conditions required for sex. If you’re currently having sex on date night once a week when everyone is dressed up and shaved and you’ve had a romantic 4 hours together first…that’s not practical for every day sex.
During my years of everyday sex I’ve had plenty of sex with unbrushed teeth, where neither of us finish, and one or both of us could use a shower. It was still enjoyable and I’m still glad I had it! But to make it happen, we both had to let go of the ideas that our bodies require modification to be ready for sex and that we must climax every time. Have a conversation with your partner about what standards around sex can be relaxed to allow for greater frequency. It may help to communicate,"I’d much rather have sex with you when you haven’t shaved than not have sex. You’re sexy all the time”, or, “I don’t mind sex in the morning before we brush our teeth. We used to do it all the time, remember?”
Rinse and repeat.
Pursue one goal at a time and hopefully each element of your dream sex life will become a habit as you move down the list.
You might be thinking, all this is fine and well but I think I’ll get stuck on number one: Win Your Partner’s Enthusiastic Participation. You might. You might get shot down, ridiculed, criticized, or blamed. That’s your fear of rejection talking and I’m willing to bet there’s a good chance you won’t get flat out rejected. No matter how afraid you are, be mindful that you’re not doing your relationship any favors by pretending you don’t want what you want.
A goal without a plan is just a wish. A wish for more or different sex. And wishes that don’t come true can lead to a resentful, entitled, unempowered attitude. But using goal setting to improve your sex life puts you back in the driver’s seat of your own life. No more blaming your partner. No more whining about not having what you want. Invite your partner to the table to help design your sex life with intention. You’ll might be surprised by how much progress you’ll make when you know where to focus your efforts and you have the enthusiastic participation of your loving partner.